I do this thing. Technically, it’s called “salsa.” It involves another person.  People get very excited when I mention it.  They sometimes assume that I grind against short Latino men while wearing a Vegas stripper costume.  (That was only the first year.)

But the way I do this Thing Called Salsa doesn’t really match the associations generally attributed to “Salsa Dancing.”  I often show up wearing whatever I wore during the day, jeans and a shirt. I often forget to put on make up or fix my hair. I don’t really want anyone to notice me. I don’t want guys asking me to dance.  I know who I want to dance with and for everyone else I put out Don’t Ask Me To Dance Vibes.  Many guys don’t care that I don’t want to dance with them and that’s cool. But sometimes guys will creep up on you and feel out the energy and even if I say, “Hi!” they know not to ask me to dance.  It’s very Jedi.  I learned through salsa that verbal communication means nothing.

But I’m polite, nice and even affectionate with people in the community. Because they’ve seen me for seven years, come and go through unemployment and heartbreak.

Once I’ve put on my shoes, which are now sufficiently trashed.  I scan the club/venue for partners I want to dance with.  This is a very small number.  Like maybe three.  I dance on 2. I’m a “Salsa Snob.”  I criticize the music that I don’t like.   I stand around and chat and say Hello to everyone. I avoid eye contact with the super weirdos, but even then I recognize that they are all children of salsa…people just needing a place to go.

I go salsa dancing for a completely different reason than most of the people in the room. I go to get a fix.  I can’t dance with any ole person to get it or any old song. I need classic mambo and a guy who can dance on 2. Ideally, he’s an old dance partner or a friend.   And then it’s four or five minutes of heaven.  I’m done. Good-night everyone! Where are you going? I’m done.

It occurred to me that not everyone does this in their life.  And so I feel very lucky.

Just for today, I dance salsa.

“Hey, Ladies! Are you struggling with dating relationships? Feeling confused or sad?  Willing to do anything? Even read a dating book?  Are you ready to accept that YOU’RE the problem?  Are you ready to see that all your expectations of “equality” have really just held you back from finding The One?  Do you realize that The One can’t even see you for all your masculine success and being yourself-ness.  He’s waiting…for YOU to grow up and get mysterious, bitchy and cold!”

If I feel like getting mad and righteous I go to the bookstore and browse through the dating self-help books.  The Granddaddy of condescending books remains “He’s Just Not That Into You.” This book portends to “help” women through tough as nails love and only reminds you 50 times a page about all the men who have rejected YOU.

Well, come to think of it I wasn’t really digging his…STOP RIGHT THERE NO HE REJECTED YOU! Ok, chill out Dating Book That’s Supposed to Help Me…I was just saying that he didn’t make a lot of money and…BUT HE’S SLEEPING WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

This book isn’t for women. It’s the “she really wanted me” conversation that guys have with each other.  It’s for men who jerk off to the notion that every woman who says “Hello” or finds the courage to put aside all her bad experiences with relationships is pining by the phone.

Yes, women get psycho attached to men. Usually, that happens after sex or devout promises.   I don’t think that’s mentioned in the book.  The book lacks any holistic notion of relationships. Guess who else gets rejected or wants people who may not be into them? No, not porcupines, or cockroaches, but GUYS! Yes, sometimes guys want to be with a girl and she’s busy or into someone else or he’s not really her type.  Where are those books?   Talk about unfair!  Not only do women get to have better orgasms and cry at work, but we get ALL THE CONDESCENDING DATING BOOKS!

I meet about one man every two years I’m attracted to. If the rest are rejecting me, I don’t really care or blame them.  Sure, I want to be noticed. But that’s not the same thing as wanting a guy to call who I barely know or had a drink with once.  AM I ALONE IN THIS?

I’ve dated the guy who pursues me relentlessly and guess what…eventually he has lost interest, too.  Ok, maybe I’m a horrendous beast who or maybe it’s called a “relationship.”  Time passes, things happen, people make mistakes, he goes into his man cave, we both decide it’s not the right “fit.” Dynamics are at play. And yet dating books hold onto the a 1950′s attitude that a) men are a prize b) there’s no way to keep one with authenticity and c) feeling good about your success in the world makes you “masculine.”

COMING SOON: Solange reads “The Rules.”

Just for today, I love to read dating books.

I love to read books about dating. Not so much for advice, but because of what they say about how women today think and feel.  Most dating books are written with a berating tone and a crusade-like point of view intended to make a woman doubt every instinct she ever had about human connection.  The title of Rachel Greenwald’s book say it all: “Have Him at Hello: Confessions from 1,000 Guys About What Makes Them Fall in Love . . . Or Never Call Back.”  (He never called back cuz you f–d up!).

Another one by the same author, “Find a Husband After 35: (Using What I Learned at Harvard Business School)” assumes the audience – - mature, financially independent women – live in a state of desperation.  How about a book about how to get rich writing best-selling dating books! Maybe contrived interactions actually prepare a woman for marriage, but I can’t imagine a fun relationship starting with me sitting there in silent submission on the first date (“Don’t act aggressive, independent or ‘masculine’” is a BIG recommendation).   CUZ WE WANT DADDY.

In my experience behaving in ways in order to “please a man” might not attract a man with a lot of respect for women, or a man at the center of the universe looking for a satellite to orbit him.  But what fascinates me about these books is that they are usually written by very powerful women.  Ms. Greenwald not only went to Harvard but has made a fortune selling her recipe for matrimony.

I found this book “Always Ask A Man” in a used book store years ago.  Arlene Dahl, an actress from the 50′s is simply OUTRAGED that women dress and primp for themselves and each other.  It reads like camp, but she’s absolutely sincere.  She says things like, “Be a good listener. No man enjoys the company of a chatterbox who boasts of her own conquests.” She’s so indignant and serious in her internalized sexist beliefs that it’s hard to take offense.  The tone isn’t abusive or condescending but genuinely concerned.  Again Arlene Dahl, a financially successful, once powerful movie star, trying to help women reclaim their femininity by taking us down and reminding us of our purpose to endlessly seek male approval.  That book was written almost 60 years ago.

Oh, Arlene, do not worry. We have not veered too far from your line.

A friend suggested I option the book. It would make a great TV show.

Just for today, I want to be a dating guru.

I really wanted to like “Girls.” I admire Lena Dunham, she’s a woman writing and directing in Hollywood and that’s worthy of a high-five.  But here’s the thing…parents no longer financially supporting you at 25…that’s not really a Problem.  Being very depressed in your twenties…that may be a problem, but not on the level of tragedy or anything.  Just something to take responsibility, like a flat tire.  Falling for the “wrong guy” and friendships ending…very common life problems, but not worthy of darkly ironic music and serious plot points.  With lots of funny jokes it would be a sit com.  But there aren’t that many jokes, which makes “Girls” really a show about people who live the best lives ever, but seen through the lens of a dark exploration of cynicism and disillusionment.  IT’S CALLED BEING IN YOUR TWENTIES. (And 30′s and 40′s…IT ONLY GETS WORSE LENA).

Does Lena Dunham ever go out of her cocoon bi-coastal life of fabulous-ness to talk to people who struggle to keep their shitty jobs and deal with medical issues without insurance?

I don’t think she’s a bad person, but the show exemplifies the divide in this country.  It’s OK to live in the 1%. It’s freakin’ awesome.  And it’s OK to write and direct TV shows about your life. That’s also freakin’ awesome.  FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE SOME PERSPECTIVE.

I do like that Lena embraces her less than model-like body. So there’s that.

OK, I feel better.

Just for today, I no longer stand by “Girls.”