My accountant gave me a pretty hard time when I told him that I wanted to write off food on my taxes (not meals, just general groceries for the year). He said that it has to be a business related expense. As if we don't need to food to live! How can we work if we're starving?! Geez. I'd say that's a pretty sound business expense.

Later he told me (off hand) that we have to pay taxes after we're deceased, assuming that we die before we've had time to file (if you die the day you've filed, or that weekend, you're cool). As if death isn't complicated enough. I didn't tell my accountant this (because I didn't think he was ready), but I believe that we're eternal beings and don't ever really die. But I wouldn't want the IRS to get ahold of that infomation! "Guess what, federal government, there will be a time when I won't be paying taxes! Hahahahahaha!" That would really get them in a wad.

Just for today, I accept that the IRS can't tax my spirit (only my family of origin can do that).

I had to take my car to get cleaned because the insects that nested somewhere in the air conditioning pipes created some sort of fluid blockage (which I never bothered to understand) that had the end result of soaking my car carpet. Since my fear of mold is even greater than my fear of dirt, I decided to shell out $30 for a car wash. My experience of Los Angles car washes is that a great machine owned by The Man will wash my car, and then a posse of Latino men will work like hell to dry it, wax it, shampoo it, and shine it up. It's rare that I see any other race employed in this position. I don't know what these guys make, but it has to hover around, possibly under minimum wage. And, yet, they work so hard, I feel ashamed of my privilege of working in an office where my biggest complaint is that I'm not "challenged" enough AND I seem to be the only person who changes the water jug (Ok, maybe not, but I do change it ALOT and that thing is heavy!).

Anyway, as I sat at the car wash watching these Latino men (many of whom I'm guessing support a family of more than one), I wondered:

a) What is The Man netting at this car wash (surely, that big mechanical thing has been paid for)?

b) Am I participating in LA's underground (and, yet, totally exposed) economy? And, if so, does that make me evil or just lazy (or possibly both)?

c) Would any of these guys be interested in writing a blog?

Being so overwhelmed by the car wash experience, I actually forgot to tip the guy who brought me to my sparkling, shampooed, air freshened car. This then contributed to the high velocity shame spiral that I was riding like a roller coaster to hell. It all stems from the fear that I have had since I was conscious enough to understand the difference between what some folks saw as "right" and "wrong." And that is the fear that I am evil for....(fill in the blank).

At that car washmoment, I am/was evil for being white and privileged.

Perhaps I was just in need of my therapist or some program friend to remind me that "I deserve..." Or, the other possibilty I'm accessing some level of consciousness that slave owners didn't allow themselves to feel. I still haven't figured it out.

Just for today, I can struggle with my privilege.

I just had a moment where I realized that for the rest of my life I'm going to have to deal with the impermanence of life. Until the end of my days I'm going to have to vacuum, change my oil (not to mention my car's), manage my eyebrows, buy a new plastic curtain in the shower (those things don't last long), keep up with technology, go to the dentist, etc...all in the name of freedom. What a pain.

Just for today, I wouldn't mind being institutionalized.

Not by any individual guy, but the whole organization! I'm apparently in the top 20% of people they can't find matches for!

Despite a total distaste for Internet dating, I fiilled out the extraordinarily long questionnaire out of curiousity and I guess the universe rewarded me with an appropriate rejection. The little experience I've had dating on the Internet (over three years ago) was tedious at best, and just plain wrong at worst. In general, dating has been fun because there's an actual reason why I'm out with a particular guy. Even if we don't end up interested in pursuing a relationship, I usually have fun. Internet dating is not fun. It's like kissing that distant relative when you're ten: it's forced, unnatural, and sometimes creepy. I'm very wary of any relationship that grows out of absolutely no social context (I, clearly, don't consider an Internet dating site to be a social context). It's one thing to spew my innermost thoughts to total strangers (though, I have gathered that most of my audience consists of my family and friends - Hi, Mom! - but let's just pretend I have a wider readership for the sake of this rant...), but another thing to go out and date them!

So, the fascist Christians told me that I'm in the top 20% of people that they can't find matches for. Why? Presumably, we (this 20%) are deemed social outcasts due to our wavering emotional health that has yet to find the uplifting hope of Christianity. They don't exactly say that, but it's what I gathered from my research. I wonder if the fact that I identified myself as a Latina who is open to dating black men had anything to do with it (it is like 90% caucasian).

Just for today, I can meet my dating prospects in the real world.