...for being a sensitive soul.

Just for today, I am sad.

My friend called me last weekend crying. She had just received news that a former short-term boyfriend/dating experience (she's not sure what it was, either) had passed away, suddenly, at 49, from cancer. It had only been a three month relationship, but he was someone she had known many years before. [The weird thing is that a similar scenario happened to another friend of mine a few years ago, and both remind me of the Sex and the City (of course) episode (LOVE THAT SHOW!) when Miranda's date stands up her up because he gets hit by a bus (or something like that), and she tells Miranda, Samantha, and Carrie, "They're dying on us!" It brings new meaning to the expression "all the good ones have been taken!"]

Holding the title of His Last Girlfriend, my friend was asked to sing a song at the memorial service and she has been struggling with what song to sing. Since they weren't together that long she never got around to the What Song Do You Want Played At Your Memorial? Conversation (I assume that comes after the Commitment Conversation...but whose to say?)

Not something I ever thought about before, but, really, more important than an updated will, how about an updated memorial song list?! It's one thing to be misunderstood in my life, but to play a song I never cared for at my memorial...that's messed up. What if the powers that be play "Let It Be" and then everyone thinks I was a big Beatles fan, when I could really take them or leave them?

I'm still thinking about it (this is what happens when you're unemployed), but the following came to mind:

The Wind - Cat Stevens
If I Ever Leave This World Alive - Flogging Molly
The Body Electric - Fame (Really, I'm dead...so what do I care what people think of me?!)
Galileo - The Indigo Girls

Just for today, I can be morbid.

A few days ago, I found out that a classmate from high school had died. He fell or jumped from a building, the details are still unknown. I hadn't spoken to him since high school, but he was my friend on Facebook and we exchanged a cursory message upon first becoming friends.

When I visited his Facebook page, after hearing the news, I noticed lots of posts from his friends, who addressed him in the present tense, saying things like, "I'm so sorry!" He didn't break some bones, he died!

It's like he was still alive in his FB page, reading the posts from the other side. Creepy.

I don't have that much experience with death, but I don't remember talking directly to the dead, except maybe at my grandmother's funeral.

It's almost like Facebook, without knowing it, espouses faith in the afterlife.

Just for today, I'm can mourn a friend's passing with social media.

Just came back from one of my oldest friend's mother's memorial service.

:-(

I tried not to indulge. I wanted to be strong and supportive to a very sad friend. And I'm kind of too good at being sad (not to brag). My old Fruedian therapist used to tell me that I had an "attachment to grief." I told her that she had an attachment to droning on about how every living male I come into contact with represented my father.

Nonetheless, I try to make it a practice to embrace, if not happiness (still don't know what that is), then an open, if not fragile, anticipation towards those sweet fleeting moments. This doesn't always work. Sometimes, I wait all day and the Sweet Fleeting Moments still don't come. Fuckers.

But then someone will call, or text, or write something encouraging comment on Facebook, YouTube, and I'll wonder, how did ever survive without my Blackberry?

Therapy. Affirmations. Blog. I'm kind of "normal" now. I'm still afraid to have kids. But I buy expensive shoes, and if anybody tries to mess with me I'll pop him in the face. Operation Normalization is far from complete, but free from paralyzing old behaviors, I started to believe that I could live among rainbows and unicorns like the rest of my 80's childhood friends.

And so when my friend, the one who always seemed the most Well Adjusted Person In The World, realized that her mother would die before she would see her then unborn babies, my whole life paradigm shifted. As it turns out, even Normal People have sucky things happen in their lives.

There was nothing I could say or do, just be there. Because everyone needs people until the sweetness comes back. And there's nothing normal about being alive.

Just for today, I'm sad.