Just came back from one of my oldest friend's mother's memorial service.

:-(

I tried not to indulge. I wanted to be strong and supportive to a very sad friend. And I'm kind of too good at being sad (not to brag). My old Fruedian therapist used to tell me that I had an "attachment to grief." I told her that she had an attachment to droning on about how every living male I come into contact with represented my father.

Nonetheless, I try to make it a practice to embrace, if not happiness (still don't know what that is), then an open, if not fragile, anticipation towards those sweet fleeting moments. This doesn't always work. Sometimes, I wait all day and the Sweet Fleeting Moments still don't come. Fuckers.

But then someone will call, or text, or write something encouraging comment on Facebook, YouTube, and I'll wonder, how did ever survive without my Blackberry?

Therapy. Affirmations. Blog. I'm kind of "normal" now. I'm still afraid to have kids. But I buy expensive shoes, and if anybody tries to mess with me I'll pop him in the face. Operation Normalization is far from complete, but free from paralyzing old behaviors, I started to believe that I could live among rainbows and unicorns like the rest of my 80's childhood friends.

And so when my friend, the one who always seemed the most Well Adjusted Person In The World, realized that her mother would die before she would see her then unborn babies, my whole life paradigm shifted. As it turns out, even Normal People have sucky things happen in their lives.

There was nothing I could say or do, just be there. Because everyone needs people until the sweetness comes back. And there's nothing normal about being alive.

Just for today, I'm sad.