Because I'm a grain of sand in the crapped-on, dead fish smelling beach of our once-great, now questionable nation, I can't expect to function well for for any length of time before I start to go a little Charlie Sheen in my own way. Sure, I'm not going to smoke crack and trash my employer (though, it works pretty well for him) but I do have my own special gift for screwing up my life for no apparent reason. My specialty is leaving my car lights on in broad daylight. Apparently, AAA doesn't work out of altruism (NOTE: If you help a stranded woman get her car started, you're automatically mildly hot), and so after the first ten times of calling my trusted friends (for $65 a ride), I sprung for a jump start cable. Then came the fun part: begging strangers to help me jump my car.

"Why don't you buy a new battery?" said Helpful Man.

It's not my battery, dear Sir. It's my head. Who the hell is gong to jump start my head?

I'm fine. I'm gainfully employed and well-caffinated. How does everyone else hold it together who is barely making it?

Just for today, I'm human.