I celebrated V-Day (Vagina Day) by getting my body scrubbed by a large Korean woman in her underwear. It proved not quite as romantic as I had hoped for, but I did come away feeling clean and exfoliated. Really, what else can a girl do to celebrate the fact that she's managed to clone the exact same flavor of dysfunction in a relationship for the past twenty-three years, but study balls of dead skin as they come off her body with a big bucket of water (really gross). If only I could get a scrub on my taste in men.

Just for today, I can celebrate Valentine's day.