There's nothing like pulling out a journal from high school to remind me that youth is wasted on the young. Tonight, I read, for the first time in years, the journal I kept between graduation from high school and the beginning college. For the most part, it's one big list of guys I had crushes on, thought were "fine" or "really attracted to." However, I also detailed a lot of the end of high school. Here's one section:

I decided to go with J. to the prom. Aside the fact that he's not the most popular guy in the world, I see no reason not to go with him. And according to what I just said, that shouldn't matter. But if he tries anything with me, I'll kill him.

Damn. Didn't realize what a stuck-up bitch was.

Here's another part where I actually respect myself.

Today I got infuriated with A. and with being a girl. It had to do with an argument I had with him and 3 other boys in physics when he told me that girls are genetically inferior to boys in math/science. So today, he and B. were rambling off about their esoteric bullshit when I started wondering why I can't get into a frenzy over Physics like they can. Then it hit me that if I asked Mr. S. a question like what happens to time in the black hole or something like that, he would probably make into a joke or cute comment. It made me so furious and convinced me that girls are negatively reinforced in math and the sciences...being feminine is by all means a LEARNED thing.

Damn, again! You go girl!

I was 18 and for most of the summer I worked at a restaurant where I lusted after most of the male waiters in their twenties.

I have a serious high school crush on S. It drives me crazy because I can't talk to him anymore, and I have an orgasm every time he touches me. I immediately start to imagine what it would be like to have him on top of me...he is very affectionate with everyone so it's really no big deal for him to grab my shoulders and start massaging me or something, but it drives me crazy. Especially, because he's so nonchalant about it...

I have a name for guys like that now. And it's not "creep," but he was probably that, too.

Anyway, it gets more embarrassing, but mostly it's just very telling and boring. Mostly, I can see how woefully unprepared I was for adulthood.

Just for today, I can read my journals from high school and college.