My therapist thinks that one of the reasons why I get depressed is that I'm unable to "tolerate" (her big word) excitement. Basically, I fear happiness (so lame). Somewhere in my psyche, I believe that too much fun is dangerous, and that I'm morally obligated to live as if I were an impoverished invalid (the stupidest neuroses ever...).

Last night I was out at one of my favorite salsa clubs having a ridiculously fun time. I say "ridiculous," because unlike anything I've ever pursued with such fervor, there's no long-range goal with salsa. It's an end in itself, an experience that defies planning, logic, or explanation (so very not me). So, I was having a wonderful time when the thought came into my head, "time to go home." It seemed a rational thought because it was 11:00 pm on a schoolnight, but I was also having an unusually good time...and you only live once (well, maybe not...but I can't wait to come back as someone with a cooler life).

So, I said good-bye to my dance partner, grabbed my coat and was almost out the door when Smokin' Salsa Stud asked me to dance. What?! Me?! My Inner-Junior High Child came out and glowed. Salsa is all about the business of finding a better dance partner than yourself. This was like winning the lottery. I managed to dance without offending him with sloppy footwork. Afterward, he asked me why I was leaving so early (in Salsa culture 11:00 pm is like two in the afternoon). When I told him that I had to "work in the morning," he looked at me like I was crazy. Work, a good night's sleep...these are not reasons to not dance salsa. Missing a limb, maybe. But even then you can always move your hips. Without meaning to, I had let him in on my grandma-ish ways.

As I was driving home I wondered if I had left because it was late and I was tired, or if dancing with Smokin' Salsa Stud is really is too much for me to handle. And what does that say about the rest of my life? If I have trouble embracing the love and passion I feel for salsa, how will I ever accept other kinds of love...? It's not about staying way past my bedtime, but the timing of how I show up for my life. I have to stay on the beat, and not just in salsa.

I didn't fall asleep till after 1:00, anyway.

Just for today, I can handle a joyful life.