Last night I saw a car with three bumper stickers, "I Love My Pit Bull," "Trust the Godess," and "Stop the War!" (or something to that effect...). What?! Who is this person? A peace/killer-dog loving feminist? It's one of my goals in life to cover my car in bumper stickers so totally contrary to each that everyone driving behind me becomes so confused and busy filtering through their mental file cabinets of prejudices that they forget to honk in exasperation when I stall at the green light because I'm still plucking my eyebrows (shame on my lazy English-major ass for this run-on sentence!...and shame on my distracted-ass for plucking my eyebrows while driving!). Maybe my bumper sticker collage will include something like "Animals Taste Good!" (I actually saw this one), and "Eat Raw!" (though, that would be painfully obvious). Or "Well behaved women seldom make history" (my father has this on his car for reasons that still remain strange and mysterious to me) and "I Heart Explosives!" (you get the picture). The truth is, I'm secretly jealous of people who possess enough confidence in their convictions to actually glue something on their vehicle about it (do you know how hard it is to get those things off?!). Not to mention the uncool factor, bumper stickers are a total rebellion against that frosty LA materialism. Even if it is a Honda Civic that I'm looking frosty and cool inside of. Ever since Burning Man Hippy Guy side-swiped my bumper with his Partridge Family-Style School Bus and I got a new bumper out of it, I have been trying to keep my bumper pristine and have become a parallel parking Olympian...but give me a few more years and I might succumb to my bumper sticker urge.

Just for today, I can read bumper stickers.