In 2007, I want to...

1) Do less cleaning and more lovin' (and if you have ever been to my apartment, you know what I'm talking about...the clean part, that is).
2) Spend less time in stores asking the dressing room girl if the item of clothing is "me" and more time with friends.
3) Worry less about what other people think of me and value more my instincts and intuition.
4) Take actions that dredge up the fear of death, God, and my mother's negative opinion (not necessarily in that order), but that will inevitably move me closer to fulfilling my life's purpose and heart's desire.
5) Accept people for who they are and not spend one iota of energy trying to change them.
6) Avoid using the words and phrases, "But...", "I can't afford it...," "I can't...," "I'm not....," "It won't..." "Woe is me...," and "Damn, this TV show is good!"
7) Watch less TV (note to self: cancel HBO....What? Nooooo! Woe is me!)
8) Have rich experiences that defy all notions of what my life can encompass.
9) Love irrationally...
10) Help someone grow into a happier person.
11) Let someone help me grow into a happier person.
12) Tell people that I love them with regularity.
13) Eat more food that is made with love (without astutely measuring it's sugar, flour, non-organic, or dairy content).
14) Maintain my five hugs a day quota.
15) Embrace all that is mysterious and unknown in life.
16) Give generously, both spiritually and financially.
17) Notice people, even the ones I want to avoid.
18) Risk looking like a fool on a daily basis (in way of honoring my true self...not for the sake of just looking stupid for no reason).
19) Blog my heart out...
20) Eat high quality chocolate.

Happy New Year! Thanks for reading my blog and being part of my life! I love you all!

Just for today, I can envision 2007!

I just got back last night from a whirlwind trip up North visiting my fam...I didn't write much because I was so busy whirling around. Here are some highlights (imagine you're listening to "Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire," except it's the hip salsa/electronic re-mixed version...or choose whatever drippy Christmas song you like, just make sure it's remixed...). So, here goes...

1) Tamale Day - Every year the women on my mom's side of the famiily spend a day making tamales. For the first time this year, I helped "cook" tamales. My participation consisted of taking a spoon and spreading dough on a corn husk while drinking Mimosas and sharing my views on God (not hard). Anyway, the conversation got heated over the topic of God and even MORE HEATED (no pun intended) over the degree of "hotness" (is that a word?) of last year's tamales.

2) Bikram Yoga Class with Dad! - I invited my father to a Bikram yoga class (yoga done in a 100 degrees) on Christmas Eve despite the fact that I myself had never experienced this Draconian new age exercise, made ever more distressing by the 80's style aerobics girl prancing around with her ear microphone. Not only did I have to watch myself in a mirror sweating bulletes in my Ross yoga pants (cute yoga outfit is next on my list of purchases...) but I almost killed my dad! I looked over at him at one point and his head was bright red. "Drink water! Drink water!" was all I could shout, forgetting that he's a grown man and that we all had the choice to leave the room (there's something about tortuous yoga classes that make one forget that they are voluntary).

3) Christmas Dinner Discussion Over How Many Years I Have
Left to Bear Children - See blog below for my feelings on this.

Just for today, I can enjoy the holidays.

There's nothing like Christmas to drive home the fact that my childless state is impeding the ability of my family to appropriately enjoy this holiday. Who wants to watch a 34-year-old woman open her stocking? It's a silent accusation (my mom doesn't want to "seem" to be putting pressure on me), which is why it feels like it's screaming behind every child we meet, every toy at the stores, every cheerful holiday adornment..."where are MY grandchildren!"

Last night I went to a dinner party with my "normal" friends and their husbands. Or, I should say, my friends who turned out normal. We all smoked pot together in the creek and stole gum and hair gel from the local drug store when we were 13. But some of us made healthy decisions to do normal things like marry nice, appropriate men and buy lovely craftsman homes and compost their garbage and...well, procreate. The scary thing is that I've willingly adopted the role as the unattached, self-deprecating single who can make wise cracks and say the wrong thing because I don't have a partner to keep me in check and find my quirks lovingly irritating...I'm not saying it's a healthy role to adopt, it's just easier than crying over the Merlot about my intimacy issues and attachment disorders in front of people who have found happiness (and because I love them, I'm pleased to see them happy...if I didn't love them, it would be another story...).

God, I'm starting to bore myself.

Just for today, I can indulge myself on the holidays.

When I first started dancing salsa (way back in August) if a guy initiated certain moves, I was shocked at what seemed to amount to someone trying to dry hump me on the dance floor. My thinking was, "You could at least take me to dinner first..." I wasn't quite ready to accept the blatant sexuality that is "SALSA" (quotations and caps are my written attempt at a spanish accent). However, as I have become initiated into the culture of salsa, my squeamishness has diminished to the point where I can see that it's not JUST about dry humping...

The truth is that salsa is a physical expression of the music and dancing to the beat is serious business (more bad news for white men everywhere). Not surprisingly, there are SOME GUYS who use salsa to get some action (and I'm not naming any names). It's taken me a while to learn to distinguish between those who are trying to cop a feel and those who are in tune with the spirit of salsa, AND trying to cop a feel...(ok so there are some nice guys out there, but they are usually totally out of step with the beat...). The truth is, the reward for being a good male salsa dancer is being able to get away with all forms of sexual harrassment on a dance floor...all in the name of art.

Just for today, I can dance salsa.

I drove into the Target (Targaé) parking lot for three whole minutes this afternoon before the magnitude of the gridlock hit me and I turned myself around and eecked out. As I sat in a literal parking lot (no, this is not a euphemism for the 405), I wondered how we have come to be so brainwashed and manipulated by corporate America that we rush, honk, and stress on a Sunday afternoon to spend our hard earned cashola on things that will, at best, desinigrate into dust, and, at worst, clutter our closets in symbolic representation of our worse emotional baggage...OK, I just had to get that out of my system. (deep sigh)...Happy Holidays!

Aside parking lots and Target stores, the holidays are historically a time of bad decisions for me. The following are the mistakes I've made so far...and we haven't even gotten to X-mas yet.

1) Buying a bucket of chocolates wrapped as if they were Christmas tree ornaments (I thought I'd give them to my office co-workers on Thursday before I leave). What I didn't realize is that this would entail them sitting in my apartment for a week...do we really think they'll last till Thursday? I've already had four.

2) Forgetting to scope out my apartment for things to "re-gift" (hey, I purchased all my gifts...I'm just sayin').

3) Not buying a full-sized tree (I mean my Charlie Brown tree is cute and all, but aren't I old enough for a grown up tree...34).

4) Failing to find a boyfriend to snuggle under my tree (not to put "blame" on myself...but geez, what is up?!).

Just for today, I am ready for the holidays to be over.

So, I survived the Office Holiday Party with my reputation intact. The next day the 22-year-olds were blushing in the kitchen and I had to tell them that I was too involved in the really great Pinot I was drinking to notice anyone's breach of conduct. No great scandals to relay, except my co-worker informed me that the Technology Director's girlfriend has a "girl crush" on me... hey, I'll take it from wherever it's coming!

My 20-year-old date had to cancel at the last minute due to illness. The good news is that I got to feel out the climate of dating someone to the right (far right) of my age box. Thanks to Demi and Ashton, nobody seems to think twice about it. My therapist is cool with it (and let's face it, does anyone else's opinion matter?) and told me that age is "cultural difference" (sort of like dating someone from Uruguay....actually, probably more like Sri Lanka or Tangiers). The point is that I don't have to limit myself to those that have been through the relationship mill...wasn't I writing about the holidays? Boy, am I tired...

Just for today, I can survive the holidays.

My therapist asked me if I would consider taking her to my office party. I wondered if maybe she was feeling a little lonely during the holidays, but she told me that it was more of an exploratory question about my unconscious fantasies (damn Freudian shrinks). I told her that I hate to let her down, but the thought had not cross my mind. I can just imagine us standing by the open bar with our mojitos and discussing my shame triggers until the party gets going and she ends up freak dancing the bus boy. Boy, how embarrassing would that be?!

Seriously, though, this lack of date thing has been very stressful. My co-worker who I will call "Andy," wrote an ad called "Searching for a Date to the Office Holiday Party" for me to post on Craigslist (sans the picture of me in a bikini and a Santa hat...I thought it might give the wrong idea...not that I look that stellar in a bikini, but we're talkin' Craigslist here). Anyway, I got 40+ responses, which just goes to show you the power of free booze and an environment of employees set free of social constraints (the bets are on for who will be the first to freak dance the bus boy...since it's not going to be my shrink). Anyhoo, I thought the Craigslist ad was kind of a joke, but apparently I was the only one to make that assumption. I emailed one guy who seemed nice and told him that while there might be some liability in inviting a total stranger to my office holiday party, I might be interested in meeting him for coffee. He responded,

"Thanks for wasting 3 minutes of MY time!"

I guess he really wanted to go to a party.

My Sex and the City Friend (SATCF) encouraged me to ask the 20-year-old cute nice guy (kid?) from my acting class. The thing I've learned about some men in their twenties (well, 20 IS in the twenties decade!) is that they aren't that different from men in their 30's, 40's, 50's....they just have less money and are in younger bodies. Do I sound bitter? Good, I was worried that I was losing my edge. I take back everything I said about men who date/marry younger women. I totally get the appeal. How could I possibly feel threatened by someone who never watched The Love Boat during prime time (or the re-runs for that matter) and who has yet to experience the bitter ego-shattering defeat of seeing your most tender dreams of love shattered like a coffee pot on a tile floor?! The only problem with that is the risk of looking like Creepy Older Lady Who Can't Get a Date (it's one thing to feel it, quite another to manifest it in the world...and another to write about it in your blog).

I think I actually want to go alone. In truth, I kind of like the brisk feeling of having the courage to stand alone. It's not something I want to do forever, but at least I'm not buying into the social pressure of being +1.

Just for today, I can be date-less.

So, exactly when did the Office Christmas Party become Prom Night for adults? I thought the only time I would have to worry about having a date as a single (and fabulous) person was weddings and funerals?! Now, I have to go and scrounge up a date from the depths of my Palm pilot (which I don't actually have...just the software on my computer...it's on my list of things to buy...).

Just for today, I'm considering going to the office Christmas party as a single (and fabulous) lady.

Couldn't make up my mind about anything this weekend...I spent hours trying to decide if I should go to yoga, color my hair dark brown, or take a nap. My date on Friday night ended at an awkward moment after I told him that I didn't know him well enough to hold his hand. Needless to say, I spent a part of today flirting with the kittens at the Pet Adoption place, and wondering if it's time to join the ranks Crazy Cat Ladies everywhere.

My friend's girlfriend told me that in order for a relationship to happen there needs to be three things:

1) Attraction (wanting to pounce the other person)
2) Chemistry (wanting to talk and hang out with him/her)
3) Timing

I actually define attraction and chemistry in the reverse of what was expressed but, really....who cares. The point is, what is up with my timing?! I meet someone, he's in a relationship. I hear that he's single and there's a ray of hope. Five minutes later, he's in another relationship. It seems that the window of opportunity for men over the age of 30 who I'm interested in is less than five minutes. My whole dating life has been a series of missed opportunities. So, my question is...where was the "Sex and the City" episode on that issue?!!

Just for today, I'm considering getting a cat.