I cancelled a date tonight with someone who tells me I'm "beautiful" and "stunning." Why? Because I had to go to Target and buy shampoo and Comet and roam the earrings aisle (I ended up buying two pairs of earrings...one that looks exactly like two pairs I already have, only as if they were mixed together). I think I have an aversion to healthy dating. The idea of not having a definitive stance on my relationship to a man I'm sitting across from is more terrifying to me than jumping out of a plane into a jungle filled with spiders. Can't I just go shopping and buy a husband?!

My therapist (she's being a pain) tells me that I don't want to feel vulnerable (whatever!). I'm down with feeling vulnerable and all that crap (uh...in yoga and therapy!), but I'm starting to think that by the time I'm "ready" for a relationship my potential candidates will be playing croquet at Leisure World (do they play croquet...anywhere?)...(giant sigh).

So, instead of trying to get to know a suitor, I went to yoga and listened to the sound my knee makes when I go into plow (like someone stepping on corn chips) and wondered how attractive that might sound to my would-have-been date.

What I'm beginning to see is that I'm a big scarety-cat (sp?) and, like the Lion, I desperately need some courage.

Just for today, I can be honest with myself.