There is a great chasm of hopelessness that I am trying NOT to dive into because it's self-indulgent (so I'm told) to feel self-pity when there is (so I'm told) so much to be grateful for. It's an insult to God who (I am told) exists. But that's the Christian world where the acceptance of diversity of emotion and experience is a threatening concept and I try to live in the land of truth, also known as "I feel...when you..." statements.

But my boyfriend and I are so haggard from rip roaring through the bloody gates of relationship hell that at about right now it feels like maybe the chains of religion might actually be a substantial way to hold it all together. I'm also really feeling like maybe I got shafted big time in the lottery for the tickets for the chutes that led to the birth canal in 1972. Cuz I don't know grey from black, or green from purple, I'm like emotionally color blind and anything anyone says or does makes me feel like I've been left in daycare too long.

Everything just feels hopeless. It sucks to have childhood trauma hounding you the rest of your life. I'd rather be simple, uninspired, and uncreative.

Just for today, everything feels quite sucky.