My Inner Child really drove me insane today. We were in Target shopping for some real basic necessities, like toothpaste, shampoo, etc., when suddenly she drags me into the costume jewelry section and starts trying everything on. In an attempt to appease her I said, "I'll buy you something, but I'm only buying ONE beaded necklace." Next thing you know she's ranting and raving about how she NEEDS two. I was running late for my therapy appointment and since I didn't have time to argue, I grabbed both and ran to the check-out counter. Flash forward to three hours later and guess what?! She doesn't want the second one anymore!! She thinks it looks like like a noose of somekind. That's the last time I indulge her whims when I'm running late. I had to go back to Target and wait in the returns section. CHEEESH!

I am not only willing, I am committed to letting go of old boyfriend(s) who can't, or don't want, or don't know how, or have issues with their parents so they can't, or whatever (I'm not really interested anymore), HAVE A LOVING RELATIONSHIP. Tonight, I will light a candle (which I actually do every night) and write said person's name and burn it (except I might do it over the kitchen sink because fire scares me). Or maybe I'll discover a new ritual that doesn't involve fire. Maybe I'll write his name on a napkin and turn the faucet on so that it makes the napkin so wet you can't read his name! (Though, that doesn't have quite the power that fire does). Ok, on second thought, I'll rip it and put it in the freezer! OK, so who really cares what new methods I employ...the point is, is that I'm willing to have a loving relationship with someone who is free from all of their crap. Just for today, I can let go (for real this time.)

In a concerted effort to avoid returning to fantasies of old boyfriends (which inevitably lead to phone calls TO old boyfriends, which consequently lead to DATES WITH old boyfriends, and so on...), I have decided to turn my thoughts over to an ideal of a healthy relationship. So, you ask, what is a healthy relatioship? Good question. A healthy relationships involves very little drama, guilt and manipulation. Having obtained a black-belt in guilt, I have since decided to lay down these apparent useless skills (unless I'm working in sales or raising money for a non-profit) and approach the world of dating with a "for fun and for free attitude." In my pre-Debtor's Anonymous days, I did master the "free" part of this philsophy and used dating as a tool for eating out (today I always shoot for Even Steven). A healthy relationship makes people want to spend time together and share things together. A healthy relationship fuels trust and confidence and helps each participant be more fully themselves. Just for today, I can fantasize about a healthy relationship.

Sometimes coming back from vacation, means coming to reality. It's interesting how nothing changed in my life while I was gone. All of my problems are still waiting for me. The only difference is that now that I am rested, I can see my problems more clearly, in all their glory. Sometimes coming back from vacation is hard. Just for today, I can have compassion for myself for living in reality.

I am learning that people from other countries do business differently than they do in the United States. For instance, in Mexico, vendors don't have "prices," so much as an idea of how much you are willing to pay. If you happen to ask them for a "price" and pay it you might end up spending your budget on a tiny trinket. However, if you offer a price that is seen as to low, you are likely to feel wracked with guilt for being a cheap American who cares nothing for the trials of families in third world countries. In the end, I have decided to accept that my purchases are in part a donation to the wonderful culture of this country. Just for today, I can haggle in peace.

I am having so much fun on my vacation, I can´t believe I´ll have to go back to a
dreary office life. After various adventures in local bathrooms on the island (including my own), I have made a new commitment to stay away from any salsa or ceviche. However, despite these trials I was able to spend a wonderful day snorkeling among a reef filled with beautiful tropical fish and barricudas. A fourteen-year-old boy proved a great guide for me and my traveling partner as we floated along the reef amidst a slightly strong current. Despite his attempts to cop a feel more than a few times, Krista and I tipped him well for cooking us a delicious lunch of barbecued fish. Just for today, I am grateful for a world filled with so much beauty and deliciousness.

Sometimes it´s important to get away from the life we know in order to see it more clearly. Just for today, I can be grateful that I have been able to take a wonderful tropical vacation on an island in the Carribean. Amidst fresh fish, mangos, a hot sun and clear swimming pool water, I am able to contemplate my life. It´s funny though how my co-dependent issues follow me around the world. Despite being miles from home I still attract stray broke pot-smoking musicians. How do they find me? I must have a vacancy sign flashing ¨CO-DEPENDENT VACANCY.¨Sigh. I guess just for today I can still practice saying ¨No.

My traveling partner Krista has been waking up with a black tongue every morning. I think it´s due to the pepto bismol that she´s taking to avoid geting sick from the water. She fears that it´s some mysterious tropical disease whose only symptom is a black tongue. I´m learning that it´s important not to laugh at other people´s fears. Just for today, I can respect other people´s neuroses, just as they respect my own.

They say that we are not loved for our perfections, but for our imperfections. They (various self-help gurus) say that we can't possibly love people who are perfect, rather we stand in awe of them and really fear them.

The trouble with this line of thinking for me is, I don't want to be loved, I want to be feared. I want people to see me and think, "Look how together she is, she is a powerful weapon of intelligence, beauty, and power." Sure, I can love other people for their imperfections. But do I want to be loved for my imperfections? Do I want a man to say, "Stella, you're so odd and different looking. I love you for that?" No! How condescending is that?!

However, I certainly don't want to be alone for the rest of my life and I don't see myself going in the direction of perfection (unless gray hair suddenly makes it's way into the beauty standard.) Thus, I don't think I have a choice. I'm going to have to be loved for my imperfections. Just for today, I can accept love (minus the condescensions) for my imperfections.

Sometimes I need to make statements to the universe to affirm what I want the universe to bring me, whether it be money, love, a career or any other material objects.

"Attention, Universe! I want a loving relationship with an attractive man in a high income bracket who has worked through most of his issues in or out of therapy and who doesn't mind spending the occasional holiday with highly dysfunctional in-laws!"

Making statements to the universe allows me to practice thinking about what I want.

"Attention, Universe! Please deliver me a career that allows me to have my own schedule, make lots of money, and make use of my many creative talents!"

What I have learned through various chanellers is that it is my job to ASK the universe for what I want, it's the Universe's job to DELIVER the goods, and then it is my job (again) to RECEIVE.

"Attention, Universe! This is the last request for now. Please lead my family into a very skilled, loving therapists' office so that they can learn to love each other and have more fulfilling lives!"

Just for today, I can ask the Universe for what I need.

Just for today, I can try something new. Sometimes my life gets stale and boring and it's time for a change. I can try a new brand of shampoo, order a new kind of coffee drink, or, if I really want to shake things up, go with a new therapist. Just like fine wine, each therapist has his or own style and flavor. Perhaps it's time to look at my childhood through a new lens. Just for today, I have choices.

Just for today, I can accept that the creators of the "Dance Machine" are not in a program of recovery. If they were, they might think twice about displaying a large "FAILED" sign at the end of the game for those of us (myself included) who can't master the steps the first time! Don't they realize that the only way to suceed at anything is to make mistakes. I have to be honest and say it was a little disheartening to see that giant word right after the game ended. I thought I had done fairly well for someone with little dance training. But despite what the "Dance Machine" may think I know just for today that I am not a failure, but someone who learns from her mistakes.

Wars and natural disasters are a big deal. Sales at Anne Taylor Loft are not. A deadline at work is a very important priority. Your fifth invitation to Friendster.com is not. Check-ups are vital, pedicures are not. An oil change is mandatory, a facial is not. Because I tend to overreact I need to really look at what I'm worried about and why, so I can stop running around like a chicken with her head cut off (overused and gross imagery). Just for today I can put life in it's proper perspective.

Just for today, I am a spiller. Yesterday, I ordered a Chai Freddo from Pete's Coffee and promptly spilled it all over the condiments counter. My first impulse was to flee the scene, but it was too late, everyone saw me do it. All I could think of to do was to do the unthinkable and boldly asked the guy behind the counter for another. He gladly obliged while asking another employee to clean up the dripping counter and river of iced Chai that the patrons stepped over while they glared at me. Some people in this world are insanely nice and Pete's Coffee employes a few of them. Unfortunately, since as far back as I can remember I have always been a spiller. My father screamed at me repeatedly for spilling milk at the table. Once, at a meeting, I spilled a large coffee drink in the center of the room right as the speaker begans sharing about her abusive childhood. I guess when life gets uncomfortable, the first thing that goes is my coordination. Or maybe I secretly like the drama of it. Either way, just for today I can accept that I'm a spiller.

For the third time in my life I went to confession. Not so much to confess my sins, but because I was really lonely and the priest I saw last time was so nice. He was very happy to see me again and, luckily for me, I had some sins to throw in there so it didn't look like I was totally wasting his time. Despite the line that he had seen forming behind me (I had gotten there early) before he stepped in, he took his time to give attention to everything that I said to him. He told me that it's certainly time that I got married and asked me how old I was. When I told him that I'm 31, but still not sure I want to be married he said, "What are you waiting for?!" I felt like an over-the-hill spinster, but I really appreciated his kindness and departed from the confession booth with a new-found feeling of holiness.

When I walked out of the booth a mob of angry Catholics came down on, "Did you take long enough?!" They seemed very upset about the prospect of not being able to confess their own sins at that time. I ran away before they could jump me. With my new found holiness I felt grateful for the fast running legs I have. Just for today, I feel at peace with God.