Sometimes life feels as if it were at a dead stand still. I would try to grab the bull by the horns, but there are not only no bulls in the pen, but no other animals, like chickens or cats and dogs to offer me any illusions. All of my spiritual gurus, such as, Deepak Chopra and Marianne Williamson and The Power of Now guy (whose name escapes me - but he's really great, I promise) tell me to embrace the stillness, to settle into my inner being, to breathe. And when the time is right, perhaps there will be some movement in my romantic or work life. And it's at times like these when I need to fight the urge to say, "yeah, if I had your book deal, I'd be really spiritual, too." But such thoughts are not part of the new Stella. Just for today, I know to trust the dead bland boring stillness of my life and to trust that the seeds of tomorrow's harvest will be planted in this dead stand still.

I don't know much about Feng Shui or Eastern design, but I can say that whoever came up for the design of offices in corporate America surely must have been color blind. When I reflect on my work history I am flooded with the colorful shades of gray that have greeted me in my various office locations. Carpets, cubicles, walls, computers, and suits have all consistently shared this strange lifeless color. Ironically, or strangely, the jobs themselves and the people themselves have not exactly teemed with life either. I know that in many third world countries, men and women celebrate color, even as they lack food or health care. And while I understand that not everyone may appreciate my peach bathroom or burgundy hallway, I do know that just for today, I don't have to live in grayness. Just for today, I can be proud to be loud.

Just for today, I can pray for the willingness to be willing to go on dates that could potentially lead to a relationship with an S.O. (i.e. Significant Other). Despite the fact that I have few, if any, role models that make relationships look enjoyable outside of their fulfillment of the apparently human codependent need to chain ourselves to another human to placate our fear of dying alone, I am Willing to Date. My friend suggested that I write down everything that I want in an S.O. 1) Not like any of my old boyfriends! 2) Sane 3) Not like any members of my family! and 4) Must be willing to leap out of his chair to help any man, woman or child in lifting a heavy item! When I read this list for her she suggested that I aim for greater clarity, but I told her that I already had made immense progress. Just for today, I am willing to date.

When I was a little girl I used to sing "The Body Electric" to myself in front of the mirror. My 6th grade teacher Ms. Yakota used to teach dance during our exercise period and she would play "What A Feeling!" from Flashdance. While we did our Jazzercise move I would imagine myself making my dance dreams come true in front of a group of stiff, crusty Dance Company Board Members (why were they so crusty in the movie? Weren't they supposed to be former dancers themselves?)

Well, nobody ever suggested I pursue another class, let alone a career in dancing, and while I can hold my own on the Karaoke stage, I don't know if I can put my sense of irony on hold long enough really belt it out. So, when Harlem Lee won Fame last night (after I had just finished my Trader Joe's Chicken Drummets with organic ketchup) I burst into tears along with his mother. For the victory of Harlem Lee wasn't just any victory. If this short, bald, Asian man, over the age of 30 can sing and dance and charm America (and he really did) then there is no physical attribute stopping anybody from letting their light shine in this country. It's time for Stella to make her dreams come true as an actress. Flabby thighs, freckled back, and grey hairs aside, just for today I am a chanel for God's greatness. Just for today, it's OK to want to express my talents. Just for today, I want to live forever and I want to learn how to fly...High!

Just for today, I am a success. Why? I am a success because I am financially solvent, a kind person, and I try to be of service to my recovering fellowship. Just because I don't have my own television show or own a house or have a husband or kids or own a boat or shop at Barney's, doesn't mean that I'm not successful. Just for today (and the last five year), I process reimbursements for a living and live by myself with my cat, Ned. Some nights I stay home and watch movies or I clean my stove. Sometimes I go to parties and eat chips in the corner. I know that doesn't sound very successful. But, nonetheless, just for today, it's OK to say "Hi, I'm Stella and I am sucess..." no matter how akward, or strange it may sound. Just for today, it's OK to repeat affirmations that feel like they may not have a snowball's chance in hell of being true.

Just for today, I can volunteer for Good Causes...even when they are no fun. Being of service is not always fun, in fact, it can be downright abusive. Yesterday, I volunteered for a nameless good cause and spent the day on my feet being yelled at by petite older ladies who felt obligated to share with me how tired they were from working so hard...for free! While I wasn't really working as hard as they were, I was sufficiently tired and decided to spend some time partaking of the food and festivities (thinking, that as a volunteer, which means, No Pay, that it made sense to at least enjoy the food at this event). Well, needless to say the shame that I felt for enjoying my salmon burger, skewered fried shrimp, champagne and strawberry shortcake was not worth the deliciousness. The old ladies did not take any breaks (a fact they were strangely proud of) and stared at the remains of my strawberrry shortcake dish as if it were a piece of pornography. I tried to focus on the Good Cause for the remainder of the day, but was branded with the Scarlet letter of E for "Enjoyment." Nonetheless, I have to remind myself that I was of service and just for today it's OK to volunteer for Good Causes even if nobody there likes me.

Just for today, it's OK to share. After lunch I walked over the vending machine and bought some peanut M&Ms. One skill (or, perhaps, I can call it a talent...OK)...skill/talent I have is tossing small objects up in the air and catching them in my mouth. However, I decided that I did not need to eat this entire bag of M&Ms and I certainly didn't need to toss them up in the air thirty times. So, I decided to share them with my co-workers. Despite the fact that after sharing I was left with only three M&Ms does not detract from the fact that I was engaging in an act of generosity. Sometimes sharing means less for me. And even if it is less of something that is stale and has been sitting in the vending machine for what tastes like years, there is a part of me that feels like...well, like I could have standed to eat more than three of them. However, my choice to share the M&Ms lifted my spirits and put less saturated fat on my body. Just for today, I can be grateful that I know how to share.

Just for today, it's OK to not feel OK and to not want to to do anything "just for today." Sometimes I feel like I live in a horrible world where horrible things happen to people and I don't trust "God" or "the universe" or "energy" or "love" or anything. And I don't want to admire Helen Keller or Anne Frank or people who suffered and overcame anything. I just want to feel sad for all the loss and pain that people endure. I don't want to grow spiritually and be more compassionate, I just want to have fun and be joyful. Just for today, it's OK to not be OK.

It's OK to not be a traditional person. Many of my female friends are following traditional roles of becoming wives and mothers. I, on the other hand, am a single human being. Strangely, this is not a role that has a definition in our society, outside of the term "single." I once asked my mom if I could have a celebration of my singlehood and receive gifts for my home and she just laughed at me.

A few weekends ago, I attended the wedding of two friends who I have known since the 6th grade. It was a traditional Jewish wedding with environmental overtones (they put the planet in their vows and had the ceremony surrounded by trees) and Mexican food. They had a Klezmer band and some of the men lifted them each up on chairs. (Fortunately, I was in Fiddler on the Roof in the fifth grade so the dance moves were no problem for this Catholic girl.) Seeing my friends take this big leap of faith and follow in this long tradition made me wonder if there is something wrong with me that keeps me from trusting any sort of traditional role. I decided that I'm just untraditional and if that means that I still shop in the Jr.'s department of stores and have babies in my mid-forties, that's OK. My life doesn't have to be about finding a mate. Just for today, it's OK to not be traditional.

Just for today I can accept that not everyone likes jury duty. I, however, feel excited and honored to exercise my civic duty by sitting on a jury and standing in judgement of other people in our society. Oddly enough, not everyone shares my point of view. While I waited with baited breath for my number to be called by the bailiff guy, my fellow potential jurors actually seemed relieved when they did not get chosen. Do they not understand how important this service is to our society? Do they not understand that this might lead to one of us uttering the famous words "Not guilty!"or "Guilty!" Just for today I don't have to understand other people's issues with jury duty. All I can do is be of service and accept others for who they are. Just for today, I am more than willing to be a juror.

Just for today I can take small steps to make my living space beautiful. Today when my friend James called me I was proud to say that I was painting my bathroom instead of being at the beach. When he asked me if I was in a well-ventilated room, I told him that I was in my bathroom, a small enclosed space with no cross breeze, sweating bullets and feeling very nauseated. He suggested I take a break and go outside for a bit. Luckily, I did go outside and avoided passing out in the bathroom. Today, I learned that it's OK to take ones time while painting to avoid being poisoned by paint fumes. Just for today, I can work on my apartment and not get sick.

Thanks to my higher power and my program of recovery, I am now able to wear cool jeans. In the past, cool jeans frightened me. I was afraid of them. They seemed larger than life, and I felt like a small, helpless child, overwhelmed by the badassness of hip huggers, or spandex, or embroidered or beaded jeans. I also was ignorant about the multitudes of places where one can find cool jeans at affordable prices, like, T. J. Max and Marshalls. But through meditation, and working the steps, my eyes have been opened to the abundance everwhere and I have been guided to new affordable clothes, including, but not limited to, cool jeans. Today I have gratitude for these stores and for a higher power who wants me to wear cool jeans.

It's OK to have IBS. Sometimes I carry my emotions in my abdomen which causes me to have Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Some people may feel uncomfortable with my speaking about my bodily functions in public. However, I know that just for today, it's OK to have a syndrome related to my emotions - in fact, it's quite common. A lot of people have chronic conditions that they don't speak about in public. But we are as sick as our secrets and just for today, I choose not to live in hiding. Today I choose to live in acceptance. Just for today, I am person with irrritable bowels (and who, to be perfectly frank, can blame them) and I am not ashamed.