Everytime I read the latest issue of O Magazine (O stands for Oprah) I am filled with joy about the wonderful spread of recovery throughout the world. However, when I get to Dr. Phil's section (which I usually try to ignore) it feels as if my father has just jumped out of the pages. This month Dr. Phil advises women to avoid infidelity in their relationships by "investing energy in their appearance and the level of sexual activity in the relationship." A person doesn't need a PhD to give this advice. All he needs is to hang around men in bars who objectify women. Why would Oprah take advice from a man who sounds just like an alcoholic? I guess even Oprah has flaws (though, it's hard to believe) and maybe she has found a father figure in Dr. Phil. I guess, just for today I can accept that even my greatest idols are just human beings with their own issues to work out.

What I learned today is that a brand new car is not immune to bad vibrations. I guess when I bought my car, I was still vibrating at a more dysfunctional level because the battery has died three times (granted I left the lights on each time - but still, it's a new car!!) and now the hood won't shut completely. While I may have fears that somebody is going to steal my engine, I know I can repeat the affirmation that "All is well in my universe." Today is a good reminder that money can't buy security or positive vibrations.

Just for today, it's OK to not have a boyfriend. In the past, I turned to relationships with men to fill the emptiness and pain left over from my childhood. While I am tempted to call my last boyfriend, I know today that it's not appropriate to call people whom I have told "I don't want to speak to you again." Just for today I can let go of old relationships. And if I choose to drive by his place of employment or home, I can let go of any thoughts I might have of what he is doing, where he is going and who he is with. I can also let go of how little he is thinking of me. Letting go is a new process for me. Perhaps, just for today, I can start by letting go of my thoughts about letting go of an old relationship and understand that God hasn't lost my file - it's just slightly misplaced.

As a compulsive underearner I have trouble spending money on myself. Yesterday, I had my hair cut and highlighted and as I handed over $110 to my hair dresser I realized that I could have bought groceries for a week for a family of four. However, that's my "deprivation mentality." The truth is, according to recovering members of DA and Esther Hicks-Abraham, there is enough in the universe to meet everyone's needs and we need only to believe we can manifest. Perhaps, to ease my guilt, I should drive through the poorer areas of greater Los Angeles with a loud speaker and inform people that they need only stop with their "deprivation" thinking. However, I might get confused with a born-again Christian.

Today was my first day working to abstain from negative thinking. I'm reading this book called "Excuse Me Your Life is Waiting" where the author suggests that we raise our vibrations by replacing our negative thoughts with a positive aspect of ourselves. Today I chose to focus on the fact that I am very polite and always say "hello" to people.

After acting class a group of my fellow female thespians and I were walking to our cars down a dark alley when a car filled with young men pulled up. The men began complimenting certain parts of our bodies. I politely said "Hello," to them (since this was my positive aspect of the day). However, my friend started to yell at them until one of them called her a "hoe." Not willing to get discouraged I decided to continue to focus on how I always say "Hello" to people on the street, even when they're homeless people who are yelling obscenities at me. At that point, my friend grabbed my hand and we ran to the corner and the car drove away. My friend seemed a little concerned, but I assured her that my positive vibrations were keeping us safe. At that moment she looked at me like I was a lost child she had found wandering around the mall alone. Perhaps she's not yet ready to change her thinking. Just for today, I can pray for my friends who aren't ready to raise their vibrations.

Just for today, it's OK to sometimes get angry. Some days I fantasize about lining up all of the great spiritual, self-help gurus against a wall in a highly air conditioned room and throwing freezing cold water balloons at their faces while asking them, "How does your vibration feel now?!" Despite my shame at having this fantasy, I know that sometimes anger is a healthy sign that I am growing new boundaries. Perhaps I need to stop reading self-help books for a while and go back to reading "great" works of literature about war, murder, incest and tragedy. These books may have been written by alcoholics and mad men (not many women) and people with no recovery, but least they're entertaining. Dostoyevsky may never have learned about creating positive vibrations, but then again, he probably never had to worry about finding a parking space in Century City.

Just for today, I can have a social life that is fulfilling. Last night I went to a party! I met a nice lady who is an animal psychic/financial planner and we had a really good talk about my late cat, Kenicky, who passed away five years ago. She told me that Kenicky had a message for me and that it was that it was OK for me to move on and get a new cat. I don't know if I'm ready, but it's nice to know that he's OK with that.

The only down side to the evening came when Janeane asked me to change the CD. I couldn't figure out how to get it to play and somehow I managed to break the stereo. Janeane told me that it was OK, I didn't ruin the party, just ended it. I felt really, really bad. But just for today I know that it's OK to make mistakes.

My father was here last week. It was a great visit up until he started talking about my friend with the "big boobs." Through the grace of God and all of my 12-step programs I was able to summon the courage to ask him to refrain from discussing sex in front of his only daughter. He asked me if I'm so intolerant that I need to "silence" people who say things that make me uncomfortable. I apologized for "silencing" him. Then I realized that I don't normally spend time with people who speak to me like I'm a fraternity brother.

My friend Janeane believes that we choose our families before we are born. I'm going to have to put that one on the back burner.

Janeane's spiritual advisor told her that she has a black ring around her neck and she needs to drink a glass of white light. With all of my issues, I'm sure I have nothing short of a black tire around my neck. Just for today, I'm willing to drink a punch bowl of white light if that's what it takes.

Janeane and I decided that we're friends because we're both obsessed with the color orange. For my 29th birthday, every gift I received was orange. It's the color of creativity. The other day we had dinner a restaurant that was painted completely orange. It's on Sunset Blvd. and it's called Cheebo, which sounds a lot like Cheetos. We told the owners that Cheetos are also orange, but not of a flavor that one would associate with fine dining. I don't think they quite got it. But the food was very good and organic and the orange environment created for a fine dining experience.

It seems like these days all of my friends are married or are getting married. Sometimes a friend and her husband will ask me if I'm dating anybody and, when I say "no," they give each other funny looks as if I'm a disturbed child that needs special care. One time I responded by telling my friend, Donna, and her fiance, Eric, that my ability to experience intimacy in a loving relationship has been deeply affected by the dysfunction in my alcoholic family of origin. For some reason, this weighted dead silence came upon us that lasted for a good five minutes. Donna just kept sipping her margarita and Eric downed his beer. I considered also telling them that the role of a wife and mother has always looked like a special kind of hell to me, but since they're getting married soon, I thought that might not be appropriate.

Tina Fabulous is my new role model. She is so confident and fabulous. Tonight, I took all of my oversized t-shirts and threw them in a bag for the Good Will. No 31-year-old fabulous woman should go to bed in anything that's not leopard print. "The Bachelor: The Women Tell All" was really amazing. I think some of the women might have put themselves in a vulnerable spot by saying some less than kind words to each other, but besides that...they were just these beautiful young, children of God, sharing all of their feelings and thoughts on national television. Watching them, I couldn't help but think, who wouldn't want to be famous? It's such an opportunity to share your true self with the world. It's almost like an opportunity to share yourself with God (who, by the way, is also famous).

Some days I just feel sadness and it's all I can do to get myeslf to the self-help section of the bookstore and cry. Usually when I'm feeling sad my allergies act up which causes me to hock (sp?) the stuff (mucus) in my throat. Needless to say, it's not my most attractive time. Today I wandered into a new section I've seen at book stores that doesn't have a name, but if I were to give it one it would be "Girly Fabulous Women's Books." It has books about how fabulous single women live, like "Sex in the City," but maybe a little more real. I picked up a book about how to be fabulous and I wondered why I feel so much sadness when I can feel fabulous instead?

"Just for today, I can choose how I feel. Instead of sadness, today I choose to feel fabulousness."

It seems like whenever I start to seriously work on affirmations my life becomes chaotic and insane. Last night I did a meditation around the affirmation "I am willing to give and receive love." This morning I was driving on the 405 and, for the first time in my life (and hopefully last), I gave somebody the bird! Another time I did a meditation around the affirmation, "I am worthy of love" and my acting teacher screamed at me all throughout class. I wouldn't share this at a meeting, but I'm starting to think that affirmations are dangerous. I'm going to put my Louise Haye Power Thought cards somewhere where I won't be able to find them.

Perhaps I need more mediocre affirmations, like "I am willing to give and receive casual small talk," or even "I am worthy of like." Start off small and then move to bigger things like love and abundance. These great affirmations are just putting the universe into overload.

I ran into my friend Sally today. Since I last saw her she has written a book on diet, started going to Agape, and begun channeling spirits. Not exactly in that order. Ever since I started listening to Esther Hicks-Abraham, it's not really THAT weird to hear about someone else channeling. But it's a little weird.

After speaking to me for about five minutes she suddenly held her hand out like she was stopping traffic and closed her eyes, as if something pained her. I asked if something was wrong and she said, "they have a message for you." I was pleasantly surprised. I rarely have other human beings paying that much attention to me, let alone non-physical entities. Anyway, she went on to tell me that their message for me was to stop eating sugar. I was a little irritated to hear that that was it. But since these were non-human entities, I decided not to argue.

"It's your drug, you know," she went on. Sugar is my drug? It seemed to me a slightly excessive analogy. Would eating too many Hot Tamales lead to me losing my job and becoming homeless? Still, my higher power had placed Sally as a channeler for these other guys to give me a message.

I was considering giving up my morning Thai Iced Coffees until Sally chimed in that it was all useless unless I gave up all fruit. "Natural sugar counts to." Gosh! Fruit and Hot Tamales?! If only because this strikes me as insane, I think I am a sugar addict. Thank God for higher power. Just for today, I can ask God to restore me to sanity and to let me know if bannanas still count as fruit.

I'm working on energy management and manifesting great things in my life; like a new salad bowl, new sheets and maybe even a knife set. According to this new book I'm reading called "Excuse Me, Your Life is Waiting" all I have to do is feel something that I want and it will happen. The author refers mostly to money and relatioships, but I keep wondering, if I got really good...could I manifest another apendage? How about permanent world peace (created solely by me)? Or the ability to fly? I guess I should start off simply and focus on the sald bowl. I'll leave the advanced stuff for when I get really good.

Last night I had dinner with some friends on the 3rd Street Promenade and afterwards we were casually strolling by Banana Republic when some linen pants started beckoning me. Not only have I blown my spending plan for this month, but have vowed not to purchase clothes made my children in foreign lands. Before I shop I try to pray for my higher power's will. If my vibration is pure I naturally gravitate to clothes made under fair trade agreements. Unfortunately, I think my vibration was off the charts. I had just recently had a therapy session where I talked about my family's "deprivation" mentality and how my mom only bought clothes for me from K-Mart. Luckily, my program friend Martha pulled me into the dressing room to say the serenity prayer. The sales girls gave us funny looks since we weren't trying anything on. It must have worked because after the prayer I looked around and realized I really don't like linen. It's always wrinkled. Suddenly, everything in the store seemed overpriced. My higher power was working in my life. I still really liked this red coat...but in a serene way.

Just for today I can accept people who are disruptive in meetings while I am sharing. Today I was sharing about my father's inappropriate behavior when some guy in the meeting spilled his coffee on this lady. They sort of got into it because she was wearing a fancy outfit. It got kind of loud just as I started talking about the time my father suggested I wear a patted bra. Then some newcomers came in and couldn't find anywhere to sit and pulled out the folding chairs. Those things make a huge racket. I was having trouble keeping my storyline straight and was worried people wouldn't understand the true depth of my pain if I didn't end on the proper note of hopeful, yet, deeply processed emotion. I always try to stay in the "solution" and incorporate a lesson on how my higher power is working for my greatest good. Regardless of how my life is really going, it's important that other people find hope in my sharing. Unfortunately, I completely forgot what I was saying and ended up blurting out "Keep Coming Back!" "It Works if You Work It," and every other overused slogan I could think of.

I hope I didn't blow it. It seemed to me that the old timers were bowing their heads in shame at my total lack of recovery. Perhaps some day I'll have the wisdom of the elders. For now I think I'm going to write cheat sheets for my shares.

I can't believe I have to wait another week to see the final episode of "The Bachelor." My neighbor Francis calls the show "evil" and everyone on it "skanky hoes" - even the guy. But I know that they're just regular people trying to find The One. Freud said that all there is "love and work." And if someone is going to pay them to have private and intimate moments while on their search, then that's really killing two birds with one stone. I feel so sad for the poor girl who gets rejected.
It would have been nice if the guy came up with different things to say to each of them instead of "When I'm with you, all I can think about is you." Won't the girl he picks eventually watch the tapes and figure out that she got a canned line? I guess true love doesn't demand originality.

I am worried that people at work now think I'm weird because I haven't been very good about the "office chat" for a couple of months.

Last weekend I bought the LA Times and didn't read one word of it. Who can read that stuff? It's so depressing! I need therapy twice a week as it is. So I had to grow up in an alcoholic family and read about people dying and wars being fought? No, thank you.

Just for today, it's OK if I take three hours to figure out how to blog. I'm only human.